What Motherhood Taught Me About Being a Christian

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Several days later He breathed life into man. After that, He created woman from the rib of said man. It's a story we all know as Christians. Adam was in charge of the animals of the earth, Eve was to support her new man... all was well in the Garden of Eden. Until, well, you know. Eve messed up. And caused her husband to mess up as well. And with that came the curse of sin. We know that the ultimate curse of sin is death, but most specifically he told Adam he would have to work for the rest of his life and what was it he told Eve? Oh, yes. How can we forget? Childbirth will be painful. And boy is it ever! With or without medication, we all know in today's time there is still a recovery process that is less than wonderful.

Along the way, we are told this story and that this was the very beginning of God's plan for your life. Even way back when he created the first man and woman, He had a plan for you. A specific plan that only you could fulfill. Do you believe that? I genuinely believe every single thing God does for us is for a purpose. Even our punishments. The Bible says:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

 Did you see that part about the welfare- not evil? I think God had a plan for this painful childbirth thing... and here's what I got from it.

My pregnancy was beautiful.

I mean straight from the movies. I was never sick (except for this one time I ate catfish... learned my lesson on that one real quick!). The fatigue was nothing out of control. I felt great. I remember laying around all the time waiting for the little flutter that was my sweet baby girl dancing around in my belly. Being pregnant was seriously my favorite. 

I remember when month 9 came around and people started talking about how excited they were to see this little princess. They couldn't wait to see who she looked like, what her personality would be like. They couldn't wait to hold her and kiss her and spoil her rotten. 

I had this moment of panic. 

All these weeks she was mine. All mine. Hardly any of my family had even been able to feel her kick. But I felt her dancing away all day long. There was literally not one single moment I had been alone since the moment she had been conceived. She was with me always. Now all the sudden I was going to have to share her with the world...and that terrified me.

So my pregnancy continued to be perfect until the very end. A few appointments I showed some signs of Preeclampsia. My doctor told me to take it easy. I wasn't quite on bed rest, but if I didn't become a couch potato at home and stay off my feet at work, I would be. I followed the doctors orders. So, at 38 weeks, I went in for some tests and it was time. That day I would have a c-section. That day I would have my sweet angel girl.

Nora Jo is Born!

I've always had bad veins. Always. I'm super hard to stick. Even harder to get an IV started. Even worse to get blood from. I'm a phlebotomist's worst nightmare...so surgery is one of mine.

The second my doctor gave orders to have me prepped for surgery, I had about 1,000 people flooding my room doing all the things necessary for surgery. I'd like to put this nicely, but it is absolutely humiliating. You're naked. Someone is there to shave you. Someone is there to start a catheter.  The phlebotomist (who had already drawn blood from me once that day) came back to draw more blood. It took him 7 tries to stick me and draw blood. Seven. The nurse came in to start my IV. She tried 3 times before going to get another nurse. That nurse tried 4. Seven times total. The anesthesiologist came in to tell me all the specifics about the spinal block. He was so confident. I had nothing to worry about. 

But I was so worried. I was terrified. My life was about to change for ever. Just like in the movies, everything sounded like it was far away. Like I was listening to everything through water. My husband and my doctor prayed over me. I couldn't speak (which is saying a lot). 

I wanted to cry. 

I did cry. 

I was shaking. 

I was scared.

I was scared of the pain. I was scared something could go wrong. I was scared I'd mess up. 

Up until this point, I couldn't do anything to mess my sweet girl up. I ate the foods I should eat. I've never been a smoker. I gave up drinking (which is a whole story in and of itself). God had been in full control this entire time, and just like the stupid human I am, I thought He was giving me the reigns now. I was overwhelmed because I didn't feel ready. I wasn't ready to do this alone. Little did I know, He would prove to me just how in control He will always be.

On my way out the door, the doctor tells my husband he has to stay back and wait for the spinal to get started. In most cases, I would have been alone from this point on with some stranger and the anesthesiologist. Thankfully, my mom happens to be a medical professional and work at my hospital, so she came with me to hold my hand. They wheel me down the hall. I'm shaking uncontrollably. They push me into a room that can be best described as an igloo in the arctic. Freezing. I'm shaking more. They sit me up on the cold surgical table and give me specific instructions. Curl your back. Don't move. If you move, you could cause some serious damage. Even paralysis. No pressure.

I do what I'm told. I curl my back. I stay as still as possible with the amount of trembling I'm doing. They give me a heated blanket to try to stop my shaking. What they don't realize is that the cold is only part of it. I am scared. The blanket won't fix that.

The needle goes in. I am to sit still as he digs the needle into my spine. I am to tell him which side I feel the pain on. Each time I tell him a direction, he guides the needle in a different direction. He tries for a few seconds, removes the needle, tries again. Over and over we did this. So many times I lost count. So many times the confident anesthesiologist loses his confidence. The doctor is getting antsy. I am hurting. Even more scared now. The anesthesiologist gives up and they get a different one. This one tries two more times and finally it stops. The pain stops. My lower body goes numb. The surgery begins.

Within minutes, my doctor had cut all the way down to my baby. Nora Jo was born. He passed her off and I remembered feeling so relieved. I wasn't scared. I wanted my baby. I started asking the silly questions, "Is she still a girl? How much hair does she have?" My husband is standing up now. My mom is locked in on Nora Jo. They answered my questions, but no more than that. In that moment, I thought they were just thrilled to finally see her. In awe of her beauty. What I didn't know is that my dad (who was the respiratory therapist on call) was saving Nora Jo's life.

In the time it took the anesthesiologist to start my spinal, Nora Jo had wrapped the umbilical chord around her neck. She was struggling to breathe. When she was born, she was blue. Her heart rate had dropped significantly.

Of course, they would never tell me that. I had no idea. I didn't see her until she was pink again and perfectly perfect. My husband watched diligently the whole time. My mom talked to me and kept me focused on her. So I wouldn't hear the murmurs. So I wouldn't hear my dad give quiet orders to the nurse to start compressions. So I wouldn't worry. 

When all was well, they brought Nora Jo around the curtain that had been separating me, my guts, and my baby this whole time. She was more beautiful than I could imagine. She was so perfect. So wonderful. I cried. And this time it wasn't fear that caused those tears, it was love. Overwhelming love.

The Recovery

I don't think I knew how difficult the recovery process would be from a c-section. Don't get me wrong, it could have been worse for sure. I've heard some horror stories. But it is painful. You feel as though you've been tossed in front of a semi-truck and run over about 82 times. You are broken and battered. But somehow, through it all, there is this overwhelming amount of love that takes over all other feelings. That baby you worked so hard for... all those needles... all the humiliation... it was so worth it. Almost instantly you think to yourself that you would go through it all again and again if that was the only way to see your sweet baby. If it were the only way to give that baby life, you'd do it.  No amount of pain can overshadow the love you feel. Motherhood was and is officially the best thing I have ever done. 

God's Plan for Motherhood

So I genuinely believe God had a plan even way back when He gave women the punishment He did. He knew He would be sending His only son to die for our sins. He knew that, as humans, we could never possibly understand why on earth a man that has never met you and I would die on a cross- a horrible, shameful death- so that we could live.  

Oh, but can't you understand, moms? Don't you know just exactly why or how Jesus could do that? Because no matter how your birth story went, you know that you would endure any amount of pain, any amount of humiliation, to give life to that baby. That baby you only knew in your heart and had not yet seen.

Jesus did what He did for you... and loves you like you love that little baby. 

Remember that overwhelming feeling you got when you first saw that little baby? You know that feeling...that unconditional love you have for that child? The God of the universe feels that same way for you.

And shoo. Doesn't that feel good?

What's Lot got to do with it?

Where this all started

You may know this about me already, but I attend a real sweet Southern Baptist church on the side of a cattle hill in a tee-tiny town in western Kentucky.  I was born in a tee-tiny town in Mississippi, and raised in this tee-tiny town I live in now. I couldn't be more southern if I tried. My mama made sure of that.

So you can imagine it has been quite the struggle for me to decide what kind of wife I want to be. The southern girl in me has quite a bit of sass, but there is also a stigma that comes with being a southern wife that you know just how to cook and clean and make everything look just peachy on the outside. Due to some circumstances in my own mama's life, she chose the route of Mrs. Independent. For good reason. I'll explain all that when God leads me to. But despite my best efforts, being Mrs. Independent when I became Mrs. Mike was really bringing our marriage down. I was determined to fight for my independence. I didn't need a man to boss me around.

And then I went to church one Wednesday night...and my pastor has this way of knowing exactly what to say so that everyone in the congregation gets exactly what you're supposed to out of the sermon each time he opens his mouth. I couldn't even tell you what the rest of the sermon was about, but he literally told us that- get this- the MAN leads his family and wherever the MAN leads his family, the family will follow. Even worse? Whatever the MAN gets out of that path taken, the family will also.

Well, I was steaming. No way. The MAN can not possibly have that much power! I get whatever I want out of whatever situation I am in! That's on me! What on EARTH could he be talking about?

The Moment of Truth

My pastor used Lot and his family as an example for his justification behind men leading their families. So, naturally, I took to reading the story of Lot. I know you all know the story of Lot, but let me give you a quick recap:

Lot is the nephew of Abraham. THE Abraham. Father Abraham. With many sons. So he was sort of a big deal. Lot's father died when he was young, so Abraham took him in and practically raised him and showed him how to live a Godly life. Lot, however, was all about instant gratification and living in the present. When God started to bless both men, Abraham told Lot to choose a land to go into and raise his family there. Abraham trusted God to deliver him no matter the conditions of the land, but Lot chose Sodom and Gomorrah (dun..dun..DUN!!). At the time, Sodom and Gomorrah was a flourishing land that looked very promising, but Lot didn't make his choice based on God's will for him. He wanted what looked good NOW. So he took all his belongings, and headed to the doomed land. Eventually, he became the gate-keeper for this horrible place. The land was full of men and women that were living in some pretty wicked ways. When God had had enough, he sent 3 angels to destroy the town of Sodom and Gomorrah and deliver Lot and his family. So Lot grabbed his daughters and wife and ran to safety. Meanwhile, his wife looked back on the burning town and was turned into a pillar of salt. Ouch!

My Connection

I told you previously that I have read approximately one million books on becoming a submissive wife. So after rereading the story of Lot, I started to make some connections here. You've heard it over and over that what men crave is respect and what women crave is love. So I started this bible study about being a submissive wife and do you know what that study told me to do? I was challenged to respect my husband. Fine. I can handle that. But do you know what else I was to do? Respect him...even when he DOESN'T deserve it. Hold on. What now?

I may be the only one on the planet, but when the pastor talks about men loving their wives like Christ loves the church, I am the FIRST to elbow my husband right in the ribs. "That's right, honey! Love me like Christ loves the church! HA!" And in my own opinion, I didn't have to do diddly squat as a wife until he loved me like Christ loves the church. What I never considered was my role in the whole matter. If he is to love me like Christ loves the church, then I am to be the church. I am to submit to his will. I am to trust him to guide me. I am to respect him...guess what... even when I don't feel like it.

Some of you may still be steaming. So hear me out.

When you're put through some real trialing times, what is it the Bible tells us to do? I'll give you a hint: trust God.

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. -1 Peter 1:6 (NIV)

So if I am to be the church in my marriage, I am to trust my husband even when I'm not sure where he is going with his decision. Can I doubt? Of course! I've doubted God's plan for me many times, and maybe I'm the only one who has! But as a Christian, I am to pray and trust that He will lead me to a better path-- NOT shake my fist and get mad and pouty.

Now let's go back to our story of Lot and his family. Can you imagine what Lot's wife must have been thinking? Dude had chosen the path to Sodom and Gomorrah AND continued to live in that path even when the town had turned into an awful, wicked place. It was not until God literally sent 3 angels to deliver him from his mistakes that Lot even made the choice to follow God's will. As Lot's wife, I'm sure I would have been awfully perturbed. I trusted Lot all this time and it had gotten me nowhere. And now, he was actually asking me to just grab my daughters and run for the hills as my home and everything I had worked for was destroyed! Are you kidding me? In today's time, someone would be preaching to you that your man ain't worth nothing! In the end, it was her own doubting that turned her into a pillar of salt. She did not trust her husband when she felt he didn't deserve it. Unfortunately for her, that wasn't her call to make. God, despite Lot's mistakes, still considered Lot a righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). The worldly part of us may think that is absolutely absurd, but if God looked at us the way we deserved based on our mistakes, there would be no such thing as grace. I'm thankful God still thinks Lot is righteous.

Let's say you want to try this whole submissive thing...what is the first step?

Truthfully, as in everything, your first step should be prayer. Your role in this relationship is just as important as your husband's... so please don't misunderstand your submissiveness as a way of backing down. Your job is to encourage and uplift your husband so he feels respected and supported as he does a pretty MASSIVE job in your household (leading your FAMILY in the way Christ would have you go).

What are some important things to pray for? I'll tell you what is on my list. Feel free to add to!

1. A change of heart: I can never truly be the submissive woman Christ wants me to be if I don't truly believe in this. I pray daily for Christ to soften my heart to the idea of being a submissive wife to my husband and allowing me to respect him, even when I think he doesn't deserve it.
2. Understanding: I had a REALLY hard time understanding why God chose women to be the submissive ones. I feel like a strong woman, plenty capable of making choices for myself. But just like I can't pick and choose the scriptures I want to live by in the Bible, I can't just omit the fact that Christ called me to be a submissive wife. I have prayed that God would enlighten me on WHY I am to be submissive, and also WHAT that LOOKS like in my marriage.
3. Your husband: If you are about to put your full trust in your husband to guide and direct your family, you better hit the ground running in prayer. No man can do this whole life thing on his own, and neither can you! We NEED Christ to guide us. Pray fervently and diligently that your husband will guide your family based on God's will, not his will! Pray for your husband to trust in God like Father Abraham...not his nephew, Lot.
4. Your family: It is still 100% your job to be in prayer for your family. Just because your husband is listening more intently to God's will for your family, doesn't mean your job is any easier. Pray for your family. Pray that they will respect your husband the way you do and that they will continue to walk in the will Christ has in store for each of you!

So I guess you can say Lot and his family are what started all of this for me. When I really dig into his story, I can see a lot of things I am doing that I need to fix. This week think about these things (and feel free to comment!): What stood out for you in Lot's story? Now that you're looking at this from a new perspective, did you get something new out of the scripture? Are you still a skeptic? What is your main goal for your marriage? Is it possible to be a submissive wife and not lose the person you are?

Who am I that the Lord knows my name?

I'd like to start off by telling you a little about myself. I am a 24 year old wife, mommy, daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend. I am a Christian that struggles daily with the fine line between holding myself and others accountable for our sins, while loving the ever living snot out of people. I am a teacher at a city school in a small town. --GO CARDS!

I am married to a farmer that works his tail off for his family. 

I am a mommy to the sweetest little baby growing diligently inside my belly. 

I am an animal lover, but would never consider myself a fanatic that would take to the streets to burn fur bras. I have a beautiful little home, provided mostly by my hardworking husband, with 2 cats and 2 dogs (I told you...animal lover). I am crafty. I am an encourager. I am a singer. I am sassy. I am a lover to the fullest extent of the word. I love. Big. And I hurt big. When making a list of all the things I am, I feel confident in the woman God created me to be. I am strong and I am kind, but I fail daily. In those failures, I have often felt that I am failing all of womankind. You know what I'm talking about? Like we are to all bond together over multiple things...body image, women equality, bra burning, motherhood-or lack thereof. The whole nine yards. We, as women, feel an obligation to stick to one another because no one else will. Men don't understand us...just ask one! Heck, most of the time WE don't understand us. So what is it about this bond that can make us feel so strong, so united, but soooooo awful when we fail?
I am Woman...Hear my cry!
I think there is so much pride that comes with being a woman. Oh my goodness. We can do it all can't we? We can clean an entire house in under an hour if we have company coming. We can keep up with schedules of our entire household. We can show up to work with our hair perfectly done and our makeup without blemish, even after carrying a crying baby on our hip the entire morning and nudging our husband to wake up and wipe the drool off his face. We are truly super humans. But even as I'm listing the things I am and the things women claim to be, I know you are finding things you can't do. Is that okay? I straight up just told you that women are the ones cleaning, taking care of children, and looking hot at all times. But do I do these things? Can I do these things? Am I any less of a woman if I can't, or won't, do these things?

You see, these are the things I struggle with daily. One of the things I left off of the list of things I am but I know for a fact would be one of the first things my husband would list, is that I am independent. For my entire life that has always been something I am so very proud of. Don't have a man? Who cares! Don't need him!

But when I started studying about the wife God wants me to be, I really started to struggle with my independence. Is it okay that I am the way I am? If God created me with such a strong will, is it okay that I continue in this independence even though the Bible says I am to submit to my husband?

I'm starting this blog, not as a way to answer all our questions, but more as a route to learning. A path I'm taking. A conversation for all women that struggle with forever being too much, yet never enough. How do I become the wife God wants me to be without losing myself and becoming a mere shadow of the husband I am married to?

Let's do this!
I hope you will follow along with me in this journey of understanding...and add to our knowledge as we grow! I am young and learning, so bear with me...but please add to our conversations! I am so excited about this journey into becoming the woman Christ wants me to be!